You know what’s great about stuff like this? No grading. No English teacher ripping you to shreds because your thesis didn’t provide a comprehensive summary of your overall argument. The world is your oyster. My room is organized, but this piece won’t be.
And why should it be? Doritos aren’t exactly a five-star snack. Sure, they don’t leave you with the same grimy, dusty fingers that a bag of Cheetos will, but still. Doritos are for the times when you want that dignified tortilla chip taste, but are too lazy to hastily dump some salsa into a bowl. Don’t pretend that eating salsa out of a jar is an acceptable way to do so. It’s not. Especially when you’re with a group of people, where even trying to fill a Tostitos Scoop becomes a dangerous game of Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Maybe I’m a hungry, hungry hypocrite. I love Doritos. Right now, they are the best salty snack on the market. With their recent and rapid growth, and successful expansion beyond just chips, it’s now a full blown brand, and it's amazing to see.
So, here are some ways in which you can consume Doritos. Ways in which Doritos will consume you. Once they have you, it’s too late.
And why should it be? Doritos aren’t exactly a five-star snack. Sure, they don’t leave you with the same grimy, dusty fingers that a bag of Cheetos will, but still. Doritos are for the times when you want that dignified tortilla chip taste, but are too lazy to hastily dump some salsa into a bowl. Don’t pretend that eating salsa out of a jar is an acceptable way to do so. It’s not. Especially when you’re with a group of people, where even trying to fill a Tostitos Scoop becomes a dangerous game of Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Maybe I’m a hungry, hungry hypocrite. I love Doritos. Right now, they are the best salty snack on the market. With their recent and rapid growth, and successful expansion beyond just chips, it’s now a full blown brand, and it's amazing to see.
So, here are some ways in which you can consume Doritos. Ways in which Doritos will consume you. Once they have you, it’s too late.
Doritos, Nacho Cheese Flavored (core flavor): Nacho Cheese, the flagship flavor, is the face of the franchise, what Peyton Manning is to the NFL. It is one of the most recognizable packages in the supermarket game, with that trademark shade of red dotting shelves and vending machines worldwide. Like Manning, Nacho Cheese lives up to the hype. It may not win for style points, but it is consistently one of the top three singular chip flavors on Earth, and has a hell of a case for the top slot. You know what you’re getting when you open a bag of Nacho Cheese. You know that you’ll be satisfied. If there was a chip fantasy draft, I’m taking Nacho Cheese with the first pick.
Doritos, Cool Ranch Flavored (core flavor): The less heralded, less prolific, less respected younger brother of the great Nacho Cheese. Sometimes, Cool Ranch is incredible, and can stand next to the greatest of chips, but sometimes it’s merely run-of-the-mill. (Note: Cool Ranch smells really unappealing early in the morning. Please do not eat Cool Ranch Doritos in the morning.) Often, it’s laughed at, and ridiculed, but there’s a reason that it sits right next to Nacho Cheese at most retailers. It’s proven its worth. Say what you want, but with the red comes the blue. The blue is cool.
Not edible, but the Super Bowl ad campaigns: For Super Bowl XLI, Frito-Lay launched a campaign allowing fans to send in their own commercials promoting Doritos, with the winner having their spot shown during the Super Bowl. This, as you may have been able to predict, led to surrealism in the hands of the Internet. Take this one for example, which was aired in 2011 during Super Bowl XLV…
Doritos, Cool Ranch Flavored (core flavor): The less heralded, less prolific, less respected younger brother of the great Nacho Cheese. Sometimes, Cool Ranch is incredible, and can stand next to the greatest of chips, but sometimes it’s merely run-of-the-mill. (Note: Cool Ranch smells really unappealing early in the morning. Please do not eat Cool Ranch Doritos in the morning.) Often, it’s laughed at, and ridiculed, but there’s a reason that it sits right next to Nacho Cheese at most retailers. It’s proven its worth. Say what you want, but with the red comes the blue. The blue is cool.
Not edible, but the Super Bowl ad campaigns: For Super Bowl XLI, Frito-Lay launched a campaign allowing fans to send in their own commercials promoting Doritos, with the winner having their spot shown during the Super Bowl. This, as you may have been able to predict, led to surrealism in the hands of the Internet. Take this one for example, which was aired in 2011 during Super Bowl XLV…
Now that’s what gets me excited to eat food! Let’s go buy some Doritos guys!
Doritos Locos Tacos & Doritos Loaded (miscellanous): When looking to diversify the Doritos brand past the snack aisle, and into other arenas, Frito-Lay decided to appeal to the “It’s late and I need hot food to put in my face” market. And where better to pursue that crowd than Taco Bell and 7-11?
Taco Bell, the target of millions of bathroom-related jokes, officially jumped the shark this March with the introduction of a breakfast menu. This menu features an item called a Waffle Taco, which looks like something a toddler would find in their new Fisher-Price fake kitchen on Christmas morning. The gimmickry began in March of 2012, when Frito-Lay and Taco Bell partnered to release the Doritos Locos Taco, which is a regular hard taco with a Nacho Cheese-dusted shell. Considering the quality of the accompaniments, it’s actually quite enjoyable, with the flavored shell providing a zesty X-factor to the otherwise forgettable taco. The launch was a huge success, with 100 million tacos sold in just ten weeks. Predictably, a Cool Ranch taco followed, with a spicy “Fiery” Doritos taco after that. Also, you can now buy Doritos Locos Tacos-flavored Doritos in the supermarket. Not even the Catholic Church does this much cross promotion.
7-11, Disneyland be damned, is the happiest place on Earth. When you need it, it will always be there for you. Entering a 7-11 at three in the morning is like walking into a toy store with a gift card on December 26th. Such low prices! Such convenience! So many ways to eat unhealthy food! You can be in and out with a $5 large pizza in four minutes! Where would America be without the Slurpee?
However, the quality of the fresh food is, to put it kindly, suspect. The rubbery ‘meat sticks’ dangle precariously on a rolling rack. The breakfast sandwiches make Denny’s look gourmet. I don’t want to know what’s inside the microwaveable burritos.
Doritos Locos Tacos & Doritos Loaded (miscellanous): When looking to diversify the Doritos brand past the snack aisle, and into other arenas, Frito-Lay decided to appeal to the “It’s late and I need hot food to put in my face” market. And where better to pursue that crowd than Taco Bell and 7-11?
Taco Bell, the target of millions of bathroom-related jokes, officially jumped the shark this March with the introduction of a breakfast menu. This menu features an item called a Waffle Taco, which looks like something a toddler would find in their new Fisher-Price fake kitchen on Christmas morning. The gimmickry began in March of 2012, when Frito-Lay and Taco Bell partnered to release the Doritos Locos Taco, which is a regular hard taco with a Nacho Cheese-dusted shell. Considering the quality of the accompaniments, it’s actually quite enjoyable, with the flavored shell providing a zesty X-factor to the otherwise forgettable taco. The launch was a huge success, with 100 million tacos sold in just ten weeks. Predictably, a Cool Ranch taco followed, with a spicy “Fiery” Doritos taco after that. Also, you can now buy Doritos Locos Tacos-flavored Doritos in the supermarket. Not even the Catholic Church does this much cross promotion.
7-11, Disneyland be damned, is the happiest place on Earth. When you need it, it will always be there for you. Entering a 7-11 at three in the morning is like walking into a toy store with a gift card on December 26th. Such low prices! Such convenience! So many ways to eat unhealthy food! You can be in and out with a $5 large pizza in four minutes! Where would America be without the Slurpee?
However, the quality of the fresh food is, to put it kindly, suspect. The rubbery ‘meat sticks’ dangle precariously on a rolling rack. The breakfast sandwiches make Denny’s look gourmet. I don’t want to know what’s inside the microwaveable burritos.
So, the new addition to the 7-11 line-up, Doritos Loaded, fits right in. It’s greasy. It’s scary looking. It’s only $1.99 for an order of four wedges. And, despite the odds stacked against it, it’s surprisingly good. Of course, you have to go in with the right mindset. Think about what you’re eating. Set your expectations accordingly. Professionals made this concoction under the orders of businessmen, by way of genius marketers. You’re in good hands. Take a swig of your Big Gulp. Easy and painless.
Doritos, Spicy Nacho flavored (core flavor): Someone once tried Nacho Cheese and said, “This would be a lot better if it had a tiny hint of a kick to it.” This idea reverberated until it reached the top of Frito-Lay, and here we are. Guess what, anonymous person: you’re wrong. Leave the legend be. Everyone knows that you don’t mess with something perfect. The two can co-exist, and to make a step towards that, we need a new color for the Spicy Nacho bag (NOT A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT SHADE OF RED!!!), and an entirely new name. Spicy Nacho is like the ninth season of Scrubs, a bonafide spin-off that didn’t have the guts to ditch the original’s lofty name out of fear of failure.
Doritos Jacked (spin-off chip type): A thicker, more explosive tasting version of the original Doritos chip. The flavors tend to be much hotter, and take far more risks. Personal favorite: Smoky Chipotle BBQ. After multiple servings of those, the tongue falls asleep, but it is totally worth it.
Doritos, Spicy Sweet Chili flavored (core flavor): The purple bag. We’ve all seen the purple bag. Not many have actually tried the purple bag. Those who haven’t, you’re missing out. Spicy Sweet Chili is easily the second best flavor that Doritos has to offer.
Boy, these things sure are tasty. I could go for some right now. There’s a bag of Nacho Cheese only a few feet away, and there’s also a 7-11 right down the block. In today’s world, one is never too far away from the pleasures of a Dorito.
Doritos, Spicy Nacho flavored (core flavor): Someone once tried Nacho Cheese and said, “This would be a lot better if it had a tiny hint of a kick to it.” This idea reverberated until it reached the top of Frito-Lay, and here we are. Guess what, anonymous person: you’re wrong. Leave the legend be. Everyone knows that you don’t mess with something perfect. The two can co-exist, and to make a step towards that, we need a new color for the Spicy Nacho bag (NOT A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT SHADE OF RED!!!), and an entirely new name. Spicy Nacho is like the ninth season of Scrubs, a bonafide spin-off that didn’t have the guts to ditch the original’s lofty name out of fear of failure.
Doritos Jacked (spin-off chip type): A thicker, more explosive tasting version of the original Doritos chip. The flavors tend to be much hotter, and take far more risks. Personal favorite: Smoky Chipotle BBQ. After multiple servings of those, the tongue falls asleep, but it is totally worth it.
Doritos, Spicy Sweet Chili flavored (core flavor): The purple bag. We’ve all seen the purple bag. Not many have actually tried the purple bag. Those who haven’t, you’re missing out. Spicy Sweet Chili is easily the second best flavor that Doritos has to offer.
Boy, these things sure are tasty. I could go for some right now. There’s a bag of Nacho Cheese only a few feet away, and there’s also a 7-11 right down the block. In today’s world, one is never too far away from the pleasures of a Dorito.